Entry 4

Joy in Tribulation

I’m in a season right now that I do not want to last for long.

I ask God some days for it to end sooner than planned or for Him to make these next couple of months go a bit faster. Sometimes I do the right thing and pray that my desires would align with His, but I’m just being honest here that many of my days in this current season can feel so uncomfortable. 

It’s not personal to my marriage, my adult friends, blood family or even chosen family…rather, I’ve just been wrestling with that question of “why me, why now?”

Long story short(ish), I left my first big girl post-grad job for another big girl job. But since onboarding it has only felt like stumbling and more stumbling. Yet I, for some reason, still feel a deeper sense of peace remaining in my current circumstances than I would if they were to change. Which makes things even MORE confusing!

Ya’ll feel me? 

I’m not going to act like I’ve leaned on God through all of this. In reality, I’ve actually found myself pretty angry toward Him. I’ve said some words of which I have needed to repent for and I’m sure I have ran my close friends into the ground trying to process through it all, over and over and over. 

A couple weeks ago, my brother in law Nathan was in town. Over bagels him and my dear friend Shannon (who are both 3+ years older than me…in terms of “life experience wisdom,” I believe this lil’ age diff goes a long way), were significantly pouring into me and I was reminded of this verse in the book of James. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

James 1:2-4

This scripture burns my pride so bad. Every time. 

When I used to read that scripture, at the very beginning when it says “consider it pure joy,” I’d secretly eye roll or just grow numb to it. How can trials also be counted as something JOYFUL? Am I being told to act happy when I’m going through something that absolutely does NOT make me happy? But upon my studies, I find that it’s not a means of pretending to feel the opposite of angry/bitter/frustrated, rather we are being encouraged to seek a positive outlook when we are able to recognize God’s work at hand. 

We are told that trials are a way of which we are able to grow, but how? I know for me in this season, I’ve had moments where I feel as though I am backtracking or backpedaling in everything. But after my talk with Nathan and Shannon, I remember reflecting on the before and afters that have come in my life.

For example:

Before undergrad, I was a lost perfectionist. Doing everything for the approval of man and not for my God. 

On the other side of undergrad, came out a girl who was absolutely captivated with the Gospel ready to go out and pursue the life that The Lord was calling her to pursue. No matter what the milestones of the world had to say about it.

Upon this reflection, I began to wonder, why wouldn’t God do the same thing for this season too? Because as His word says, He is a God who does not change. 

(Malachai 3:6 and Hebrews 13:8)

So that is what I’ve begun to hold onto, friends. And while it’s taken me 6+ months to get to that heart space, it has been beyond worth it. My days suddenly don’t feel so long and drawn out, rather I have a hope for what is on the other side because I know who my God was, is and will continue to be.

Walking through rough trials can feel exhausting, but when we get to the other side, we realize that there is so much to which we didn’t know about ourselves. Enduring through trials seems to refine a whole person and can make us aware of those blindspots that we didn’t know existed.

For me, one of those blindspots was that I overthink every action I do all the time. It ties back into my fleshly, toxic perfectionism and fear of man. But a way The Lord is using this season to refine that weakness within me is through teaching me how to let things roll off my back. Not giving even tomorrow a worry, as our present days have enough troubles of their own (Matthew 6:34). 

If you are walking through trial, take all of this brain dump as an invitation to feel your feelings, but remember that God is working in your midst and because of that — you have every reason to cling to the hope ahead, considering all that may be in front of you, pure joy.